


"Leave me alone to die"

by nimiumcaelo



Category: Catch-22 - Joseph Heller, Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Crack, Crack Crossover, Gen, Lonely Luke, Porg, happens after the whole 'school burns down' fiasco, post-Kylo Ren transformation, rewrite of this bit from Catch-22 that sounded so pathetic I just had to put Luke in I'm sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-26
Updated: 2017-12-27
Packaged: 2019-02-22 03:13:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13158054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nimiumcaelo/pseuds/nimiumcaelo
Summary: Rewrites of some bits from Catch-22 with Star Wars characters.This is ridiculous but it's funny, or at least I think so. Just try it out.Update: I watched TLJ for a third time and found even more similarities between the two. Geez, this is ridiculous, but I hope you enjoy it in some small part of your mind.





	1. Chapter 1

Back in his little hut on the island, he wept; and when he finished weeping he washed the ash and dust from his face and hands, scrubbed the dirt from the abrasions on his cheek and forehead, and pulled aside the first porg he saw.

“From now on,” he said. “I don’t want any of you to come to see me. Is that clear?”

The porg cooed.

“Yes, that includes you.”

The porg cooed some more.

“That will be all.”

The porg was silent and contemplative.

“If one of you tries to see me, tell them I’m in and ask them to wait. You should wait until I’ve left to send them in.”

The porg eyed Luke suspiciously.

“I don’t care what you do with them because I won’t be there after I’ve left. That will be all, thank you.”

The porg hopped away.

“From now on,” Luke said to the head of the caretakers who cleaned up his hut and the other huts around it, “I don’t want you to come here while I’m here to ask me if there’s anything you can do for me. Is that clear?”

“Yes, sir,” said the head of the caretakers. “When should I come here to find out if there’s anything you want me to do for you?”

“When I’m not here.”

“Yes, sir. And what should I do?”

“Whatever I tell you to.”  
“But you won’t be here to tell me. Will you?”

“No.”  
“Then what should I do?”

“Whatever has to be done.”

“Yes, sir.”

“That will be all,” said Luke.

“Yes, sir,” said the head of the caretakers. “Will that be all?”

“No,” said Luke. “Don’t come in to clean, either. Don’t come in for anything unless you’re sure I’m not here.”

“Yes, sir. But how can I always be sure?”

“If you’re not sure, just assume that I am here and go away until you are sure. Is that clear?”

“Yes, sir.”

“I’m sorry to have to talk to you in this way, but I have to. Goodbye.”

“Goodbye, sir.”

“And thank you. For everything.”

“Yes, sir.”  
“From now on,” Luke said to himself, “I’m not going to eat out in the open where everyone can see me. I’ll eat all my meals in a little hollow in the cliffside where I won’t be spotted.”

“I think that’s a good idea,” his inner self answered. “Now I’ll be able to eat all my hidden delicacies without anyone ever asking for some for themselves.”

“No, but I want to save those. I won’t have any delicacies just because I’m alone. I’ll save them.”

“Yes, okay. I’ve got some extra fish and a plant I’ve been meaning to try and I’m sure it would go wonderfully with some of that exotic milk. Will that do?”

“No.”

“Yes, of course. I understand.”

For dinner that night Luke made himself some extra fish and tried a new plant and it went wonderfully with some exotic milk.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based on the scene in the rain after Rey and Kylo touch fingertips and Rey yells at Luke about Kylo. Nearly all the text is straight from _Catch-22_ and I don't own the book.

When Luke looked back on what he had accomplished, he was pleased. In the midst of a few foreign acres teeming with caretakers, porg, and several annoying Resistance fighters, he had succeeded in becoming a recluse. With a little ingenuity and vision, he had made it all but impossible for anyone in the squadron to talk to him, which was just fine with everyone, he noticed, since no one wanted to talk to him anyway. No one, it turned out, but that madwoman Rey, who brought him down with a flying tackle one day as he was scooting along the bottom of the ditch to his nook in the cliff for lunch.

The last person on the island Luke wanted to be brought down with a flying tackle by was Rey. There was something inherently disreputable about Rey, always carrying on so disgracefully about that nephew of his who didn’t even have a real chance anymore and then waltzing right up to him on the island he’d picked specifically for its loneliness and desolation. No one in the world had the guts to go up to Kylo Ren and try to turn him back to the light. Luke had forfeited his chance when he’d hidden himself away and refused to speak to anyone for twenty-odd years. The only one with the guts to do such an outrageous thing, it seemed to Luke, was Rey herself, and Rey, it seemed to Luke, didn’t have the guts.

Luke groaned after Rey brought him down with a flying tackle, and tried to wiggle to his feet. Rey wouldn’t let him.

“Rey of the Resistance,” Rey said, “requests permission to speak to Master Skywalker at once about a matter of life or death.”

“Let me up, please,” Luke bid her in cranky discomfort. “I can’t properly speak to you while I’m lying on my face.”

Rey released him. They stood up slowly. Rey nodded at him and repeated her request.

“Let’s go to my hut,” Luke said. “I don’t think this is the best place to talk.”

“Yes, Master Skywalker,” answered Rey.

They smacked the dirt from their clothing and walked in constrained silence to the entrance of Luke’s hut.

“Give me a minute or two to put some ointment on these cuts. Then have one of the caretakers send you in.”

“Yes, Master Skywalker.”

Luke strode with dignity inside his hut without glancing at any of the various porg that had gathered by the door. He let the door to the hut clang shut behind him. As soon as he was alone, he raced across the hut to the window and jumped outside to dash away. He found Rey blocking his path. Rey was waiting eagerly and greeted him again.

“Rey of the Resistance requests permission to speak to Master Skywalker at once about a matter of life and death,” she repeated determinedly.

“Permission denied,” Luke snapped.

“That won’t do it.”

Luke gave in. “All right,” he conceded wearily. “I’ll talk to you. Please jump inside my hut.”

“After you.”

They jumped inside the hut. Luke sat down, and Rey stood beside the bed and told him she wanted to go after Kylo Ren. _What good would that do?_ Luke asked himself. All that would happen was that Rey would get captured and probably executed by his annoying nephew.

“Why?”

“I can see the good still in him.”

“It’s perfectly normal to want to reform one’s enemies,” Luke counseled her kindly. “Everyone wants everyone else to be good.”

“I don’t want Kylo to be good,” Rey said. “I _know_ he’s good.”

“You wouldn’t be in the Resistance if you didn’t want everyone to be good. Even the most selfish, narcissistic people want others to be good. One of the biggest jobs we face in the Resistance is learning to accept that not everyone will be good.”

“Oh, come on, Master Skywalker. Can’t we do without that motivational speech?”

Luke lowered his gaze sheepishly and fiddled with his fingers. “What do you want me to tell you?”

“That I can go after Kylo and turn him to the Light.”

“How would you go after him?”

“In the Falcon – in an escape pod.”

“Why don’t you just wait until the next time you see him?”

“He’ll run away from me. Every time I get close to his ship he moves it.”

“Perhaps he won’t this time.”

“He never lets me actually talk to him, anyway. He just gloats about the wonders of the dark side and slashes me with his lightsaber. He’s been doing that since I met him.”

“You can’t blame Ben for slashing at you,” Luke advised. “He gets his orders first from Snoke and we all know that he wants all Resistance members dead.”

“He could still ask for an exception for me and tell him he needs to talk or something. Anyway, I’ve heard Snoke wants me to come over to the Dark, which would mean he needs me alive.”

“I wouldn’t know anything about that,” Luke answered. “I’ve been stuck on an island alone for twenty-odd years. Besides, nobody told me anything to begin with. Why can’t you just wait until you see him next and see what happens?”

“I want to go after him.”

_What good would that do?_ Luke asked himself again. What could you do with a girl who looked you squarely in the eye and said she would rather die than let your annoying nephew stay Dark side, a girl who was at least as mature and intelligent as you were and who you had to pretend was not? What could you say to her?

“Suppose we let you talk to Ben but keep you away from him physically,” Luke said. “That way you can convince him to come to the Light without running any risks.”

“I don’t want to just talk to him over the comms. I don’t want to leave this up to any sort of chance.”

“Would you like to see yourself captured by the First Order?” Luke asked.

“I won’t be captured. I’m smarter than Kylo and I can fight better than he can. Besides, even if I’m captured, that will just mean I have more time to talk to him. Let somebody else do the easy work.”

“But suppose everybody felt that way.”

“Then I’d certainly be a fool to feel any other way. Wouldn’t I?”

_What could you possibly say to her?_ Luke wondered forlornly. One thing he could not say was that there was no way for Ben to turn back to the Light. To say there was no way for him to turn back to the Light would suggest that if there  _were_ a way for him to turn back to the Light, then Rey would be in the right to go after him and try to turn him and would imply some sort of error in Rey’s ability to judge Ben’s leanings towards both sides of the Force. Luke was very certain about that. He must never say that there was no way for Ben to turn back to the Light.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “But there’s no way for Ben to turn back to the Light. He’s already lost.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had more ideas so here you go! Thanks for reading ~

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I don't know why I thought this was a good idea, but whatever. Here it is and here it will stay.


End file.
